I have to say that today was a mixed bag. I have not had my scan yet, so I will report on that later. In general it was a pretty good day. I went for a walk, read outside, and it was taco salad day. So again, in general I have no complaints. I am really trying and am staying positive. I really believe that these babies can sense what is going on with Mom, so as positive as I can be the better for them. This leads me to the not so good part of my day. After my shower I usually walk down the hall and get some water or tea. The area of labor and delivery that my room is now is the mother and baby section. So instead of hearing women scream in pain all night, I here babies cry (which is honestly a lot better.) So as a walked to get my tea today I saw something that I have seen every day since I have been here, but for some reason today it really hit me. It was a Dad loading up flowers and hospital bags on a cart as the nurse pushed the mom in a wheelchair with baby in her lap to the door. Such a simple thing, yet not. I want more than anything to leave the hospital with my flower cart and my babies on my lap, both of them. Yet I know that this may not happen. I do not say this in a way to be negative, I say it in a way to not create an expectation in my head that will only upset me latter if it does not come to be. I still maintain that these Babies are not ready and that they want to stay with Mom for a while longer, but when you consider statistics and that fact that I am here in the first place, there is a possibility that I may just be leaving with my cart and nothing more. In that same thought, there is also the possibility of me leaving with the whole family. I guess I just want to stay open to possibility. This is easily the hardest post to put on the blog so far. Having a big smile on my face is at the core of who I am as a person, so showing any signs of sadness makes me feel very vulnerable. At the same time, more human. So it with a great amount of courage and faith that this message will be received as it was given that I publish this post.
2 comments:
I know its gotta be hard to think that you may not be leaving with your little ones.
Hang in there and have faith that it will all work out the way it is supposed to. Eventually I know that you will be enjoying them in the comfort of your own home and experiencing the joys of motherhood! You will probably appreciate it a lot more after going through all this!
Just think, it will be no time before we are both on Maternity leave, sipping champagne and celebrating! (of course we'll have to pump and dump that day!)
Thanks for the post, love you.
Kate
I know I tease you about room service and coffee shops, etc. But you and the babies are in the perfect place right now. If you don't get to take the babies home when you go, they will be in great hands. Before long there will be lazy Sunday mornings with you, Ryan, Yip and Yap all snuggled in bed together.
I love you,
Jane
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